I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
