best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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