so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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