I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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