I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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