i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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