We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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