Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
