i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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