I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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