You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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