party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize