Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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