I accidentally had phone sex last night
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
