I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
