Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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