totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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