when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
