Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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