I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
