I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
