Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize