So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
