News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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