I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
