why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
