Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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