Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
