I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
