Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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