take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
