He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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