he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
