I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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