why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
