I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize