He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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