a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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