It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
