every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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