She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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