Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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