hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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