I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
