you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
