Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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