His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
