You don't have asthma, your pregnant
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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