watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
