Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
