i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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