I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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