I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
