It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
