wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize