I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
