who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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